My Own Kind of Happy

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

I'm getting back into the swing of dealing with shooting my own bog photos again. I say dealing with because once I had finally trained someone to shoot my pictures exactly how I liked I realized how much immensely easier that made my life, but it isn't realistic to rely on one single person to take all my photos what with a kid and differing schedules, etc etc blah blah adult life shit. So I am sucking it up and shooting myself more, even if I feel that the shots aren't as good (they aren't), and I hate lugging my tripod around (so shit), and I get exceedingly self-concious doing it in public spaces (I die inside omg). At the end of the day I know these photos are alright and that I hold myself to higher standards than anyone else does, but it's hard when photography is also the thing you do and you know exactly how you want pics to look...*sigh*...someday I'll clone myself for business purposes so I can just shoot myself and everything will be exactly as I envision it. That's the dream, yeah?


To be completely honest, I am quite impressed with myself that I made this skirt work outside the context of Valentine's Day, because I bought it specifically for these pictures with Coco and kept it with the sole intention of wearing it on subsequent Valentine's Days, but I always felt that it had more potential outside of the holiday of love. Is it still painfully extra? Absolutely, but fuck it because so am I.

I would be lying if I said I didn't care what other people think of me, of my ridiculous outfits, of anything at all really, but I'm working at giving less fucks because I am working at being (as my shirt says, see it all comes full circle) my own kind of happy. I don't want to be so reserved and uptight if I'm in a new place that doesn't quite feel like home, or ten times more quiet than I really am around people I'm just meeting. Moving to a new state has made it glaringly obvious to me that 99% of my sparkly, hyper confidence came from being in a familiar place with familiar people, and I want to be that version of myself wherever I go regardless of if I'm completely comfortable or not. So I am manifesting my own happy inside of my chest, or maybe deep in my stomach somewhere, so I can draw on that when I'm feeling afraid and shrinking inside myself and shine like I know I do when I'm comfy.

What's your version of happy?


  1. It took me SO LONG to find my stride taking photos of myself! Lately I feel like I've finally figured it out, and I know what I want and how to get it, finally. Having a remote helps so dang much. And realizing that I love backlighting, so I have to shoot before 10am (preferably before 9am but I can work with it till 10) or after 5pm at the moment.

    It's so satisfying when you finally retrain yourself a skill that you'd dropped for a while. I wish we lived close so we could trade off taking each others' photos! But I'm also really happy you're back where you love to be in Arizona. And, who cares if this skirt is extra it is SO DANG CUTE and I love how you styled it. It looks perfect.

  2. Taking photos of yourself is so hard. I finally bit the bullet and started my own blog, but I've only taken pictures in my living room so far. Partly because I'm embarrassed to traipse around in front of a tripod in public and because I'm using voice commands on my phone to take pictures. Yelling "capture" at my phone in my own house is one thing, but in public is a totally different story.